Saturday, September 23, 2017

Am I ever going to be okay?

This video was uploaded 6 years ago. And now, here we are. Strangers, again :')
April'11 was the month we were getting to know each other..

I'm not going to lie. I'm not okay. Some days i feel like i'm fine, i can move on, i can be happy without him. But some days are just crying myself to sleep, unable to be sincerely happy, distancing myself from people and prefer to be alone and appreciating the tiny little things. I prefer not to rant to everyone about this. I'll just mend this broken pieces by myself as i know i'm stronger than i look, insyaAllah :)

Few lines from poems porn, my favourite ones.

This is me accepting that we’ll still be in each other’s lives but not necessarily involved in it. We’ll see each other and make small talk but we won’t share the details we used to share or trust each other with our deepest secrets or ask each other for advice.

This is me accepting that we’ll forgive each other but we’ll never forget. There will always be this cloud hovering over us when we talk, there will always be this memory of the night things changed and there will always be this voice inside our heads reminding us of the words we said that we can’t take back.
This me accepting that you won’t be there for every occasion, every milestone, every high and every low.This is me getting used to your absence, getting used to celebrating life without you. This is me getting used to depending on anyone other than you.

This is me accepting that you won’t be the first person I call when things go wrong. You won’t be the person who will protect me or make me feel safe. This is me getting used to fighting alone. This is me getting used to walking alone at night without waiting for you to lead the way.

This is me accepting that life will go on without you, it will still make sense, it will still have meaning and it will still be beautiful. This is me getting used to finding pleasure in the simple things and making new memories. This is me tearing the perfect picture I had in mind for us — this is me taking new pictures without you in them.

This is me accepting that our connection will always be disconnected, our love will always be broken and our bond will always be frail. This is me getting used to being alone. This is me learning how to find my own worth away from you. This is me acknowledging that I’ll always be enough for me even if I wasn’t enough for you.

Another one.

When you lose someone, you don’t just lose them when you say goodbye. You don’t just lose them when you say your final I love you, or when you watch them leave your apartment for the last time. When you lose someone, you don’t just lose them once. You lose them every single day, you lose them slowly. 
See, you lose someone every morning when you wake up and you are aware of the fact that their fingers are no longer wrapped within yours. 
You lose someone whenever you make a cup of coffee in their favourite mug. You lose someone when you hear the songs they showed you, when you stumble upon their sweater in the back of your closet.

You lose someone when you lay in bed and you want to tell them about your day, but you can’t. You lose someone when you no longer hear them rustling around your apartment, when you no longer hear them brushing their teeth in the other room before jumping into your arms for the night.

You lose someone when you are laughing deeply amidst the people you care about, and they are not by your side. You lose someone when the cab ride home is quiet, when they are not there for you to lay your tired head upon. 

You lose someone when you bury the hope you had, when you lay down your arms and stop fighting the urge to make things work despite the intensity of your feelings. You lose someone when you finally allow yourself to walk away, when you finally allow yourself to start healing, when you finally think about them and hope that they are healing too, that they are finding everything they needed to look for. 

But the truth is, you never truly lose someone, because love is not a losing game. If your heart cared for someone, if it fought for someone, if it believed in someone; if it felt in a way that set someone a part, if it felt in a way that was honest, and all-consuming, and stunningly real — there is no going back. See, the best kind of love changes you. It teaches you and grows you. The best kind of love cannot be lost, it cannot be forgotten. It will always exist within you.

Last one.

"And I’ll keep looking at you through these rose colored glasses, stitching my broken heart back together piece by piece. You broke my heart, that much is true, but darling I’d let you break it a thousand times more just to hear you say you miss me too. 

No matter what has happened between us, my love, there’s something you should know: I could never regret one moment spent by your side. For doing so would mean losing every part of me that’s changed since meeting you. 


You may not be the one, yes I know that now. But meeting you was the end to my aimless wandering, the refuge that my soul desperately searched for. For you see, you gave me hope. Hope that people like you do exist. And with that hope I’ve now found peace, that what will be will be. 


Not all relationships are meant to last forever, some exist just to light the way to the future that awaits. But darling you were my muse, and after you left I found myself unable to speak, all the words I needed to say buried as deeply as the feelings I felt for you. But there is some irony to this, isn’t there? 


You said you didn’t believe in love, that life itself holds no comparison to dreams. But you restored my ability to believe that real love is out there, if we only have the courage to seek it. Your words still haunt my thoughts, almost daring me to try and forget you. 


But I don’t want to forget. I want to remember it all and know that if something that wonderful can happen with the wrong person, I have so much to look forward to with the right one. And that, in itself, gives me hope."


Life after you...



If you've ever read this post, I'm sorry, i don't meant to be so broken. I will be okay. It's a matter of time. Slowly but surely like i always told myself.


May you'll always be content and blessed by Him :)

Monday, June 19, 2017

New Phase.

Hi, it's been a while. I may be lost the sparks to write.

Anyway, I want to let out all my thoughts again. So I'm thinking of a fresh start about everything.

I would like to blog about what my future holds, all the Intec's experience, my former college, friends and so on.

I hope i will be upbeat again about that idea like I am now. (Monday, 19/6/17,8.15 p.m)

Till we meet again. Raya is coming. Lot's of work to do. Bye.

With love,
A.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Jarak.

Tak pernah berjauhan.
Dari dulu lagi.
Berpisah sementara, 
Lain negara, sama benua.

Andai ini ujianMu, 
demi persediaan masa hadapan,
maka akan ku gagahi jua.

Jadi penyokong setia bukan pembangkang setia.

Baik :)

Saturday, January 23, 2016

General

I'll talk about my life in every aspects yeah?

Study
Basically okay until now. Just answered AIS quiz last Friday, was okay i think even though i made a few mistakes but it's okay. It's been two weeks in Beranang and i want to come home, to see my family, my new kitties. Awhhhh~
Oh, i'm such a busy girl these days. Oh what have i got myself into. It's my choice tho, nobody forced me. My aims are to increase my confident level and improve my soft skills which i'm lack of. Hahaha nerdy nerdy me. I hope these thing won't bother my studies. I want to get 4 flat for this semester. I know it's hard but i got to fight for it. When you're down, nobody is going to lift you up. You're going to do it by yourself :)

Weight loss
Up until today, i have lost 4 kilos. Uhuhu i am now 62 kg. 5-7 kg more to go hahaha. Okay no pressure dear self. Just enjoy the journey. It's not temporary, it's a permanent change. I have to keep in mind, it doesnt matter if i had lost many kilos but after that i still eat like a gorilla. I need to watch out my carbs and sugar intake. Hehe since i want to lose weight so badly, i now know how to count calories in order to find the most worth it food for this tummy of mine. Not to forget i can drink 5 litres a day hehe and my minimum water intake is 3 litres. It's an achievement okay. Alhamdulillah thank you Allah.

Friends
All great. At least i'm not alone like i used to be.

Love
I'm hurting.... He said he's bored to fight and stuff. While i love to fight. The conclusion is he's bored with me too, This is just like the mathematics equation that we've learnt in form 3/4/5, can't remember. 

Monday, December 14, 2015

Kehilangan.

Sakit kan rasanya bila Allah dah ambil seseorang yang kita sayang? Takdir tertulis segalanya. So, aku jumpa satu blog ni pasal seorang ibu tunggal dengam 2 orang anak. Suami dia dah meninggal dunia pada tahun 2010, penulis buku. Membaca kisah-kisahnya, seperti aku pula yang berada dalam situasi dia. Sakitnya terasa, peritnya terasa, mataku juga menghamburkan tangis. Ya Allah..

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Tough cookie

I'm smiling but I'm so close to tears. Suddenly, i miss my family so so much even though this is my seventh day in this place.

Study was okay i think for now but financial accounting is starting to make me feel uneasy. Apart from that, i will always have a conflict inside me when the lectures asked us to form a group.

In this room, i am truly grateful when i got an awesome roommates who manage to make me laugh. There's funny A, diva-ish Z, cool W and sweet S. And there's this senior who makes me feel scared to do any trouble. Lol. As if i'm the troublemaker la konon, padahal ... :-P

Apart from that, i'm in denial stage of something. But that's okay, even if my heart still aches when i re-read our old conversation and my eye waters when i go through our pictures together but THAT'S TOTALLY FINE. Sometimes you have to accept that you're lucky if things work out but if they don't, move on babe. Easy to say, hard to do huh?

Wish me luck.